


The Author Named This but the Title was Dumb

by TenSpencerRiedPlease



Category: Deadpool (Comics), The Amazing Spider-Man (Movies - Webb), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Human Wade Wilson, Humor, M/M, Sneaking Around, Spideypool - Freeform, Teenagers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-19
Updated: 2015-07-19
Packaged: 2018-04-10 01:48:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4372490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TenSpencerRiedPlease/pseuds/TenSpencerRiedPlease
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They had talked about kids, sure, but he didn’t expect Tony to come home one day and inform him they were now parents with a fucking teen in tow. He loved Tony, he really did, but days like that one made him want to strangle the guy. “Oh come on, his uncle Ben got shot, and his aunt May died in a freak accident, it was sad,” he says, giving Steve puppy dog eyes. Steve had never been able to resist that face so he had relented.</p><p>AU where Steve/ Tony adopt teenage Peter and disapprove of him dating Wade Wilson.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Author Named This but the Title was Dumb

**Author's Note:**

  * For [GoodSourceofFiber](https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoodSourceofFiber/gifts).



> For a friend who wanted some spideypool :)

Steve and Tony had been together for a long time, almost ten years, and they had been married for most of that time. They had talked about kids, sure, but he didn’t expect Tony to come home one day and inform him they were now parents with a fucking teen in tow. Well, okay, he didn’t actually come home with Peter but still, he came home and told Steve he adopted a random teenager like this was a totally normal thing to do. He loved Tony, he really did, but days like that one made him want to strangle the guy. “Oh come on, his uncle Ben got shot, and his aunt May died in a freak accident, it was sad,” he says, giving Steve puppy dog eyes. Steve had never been able to resist that face so he had relented but not before informing Tony that adopting random teens without talking to him about it was not acceptable.

“Do you think it would be insensitive to feed him Uncle Ben’s rice?” Tony asks, shaking the rice package. Steve tried his best to give Tony a stern look but he broke after like two seconds and started laughing.

*

Peter, as it turned out, was great. Steve had expected an angry fifteen year old asshole, god knows he and Tony at fifteen were awful, but Peter was a calm kid. He was smart too; he followed Tony’s science talk much better than Steve ever could. He went to school; he worked after school in an animal shelter, and occasionally went to parties but never drank too much. In short, he was a responsible kid; they only had one issue…

“Wade Wilson?” Steve asks, “You Facebook stalked the kid? That’s creepy, Tony,” Steve says, raising an eyebrow.

“Actually he doesn’t have Facebook, he still uses Myspace. Which, first of all who does that, and second, why is his page so popular?” Tony says, frowning and stealing a piece of pepper Steve was cutting for dinner, “anyway the kid if fucking weird. Like he writes a lot about how he’s in a fan fiction or something? I don’t know, but he seems pretty harmless,” he says, stealing another pepper.

“Stay out of the peppers Tony, and you are aware that he’s a senior right? You know that seniors who date younger tend to be assholes. I’m sure you remember you,” he says, raising an eyebrow. To be fair Natasha had made Tony pay for his breaking up with her via Clint dearly by sticking a bunch of eggs under the bottom of his locker and waiting. It took three months to figure out Nat had created a false bottom in the locker and by then the eggs had stunk out half the school, Tony had fled long before that.

“Okay, but like this kid is fuckin weird, like seriously, who has Myspace still? I think Peter is the best he can do,” Tony says.

Steve throws a pepper chunk at him, “what’s that supposed to mean? Peter is not a bad choice in date I think. Personally I think that this is some late rebellion but I mean there isn’t much we can do about it,” he says. He had tried to explain that seniors that dated people younger than them were, at least usually, not the best of people and dated people younger than them because everyone their own age thought they were fucking idiots. Peter had insisted that Wade was different and Steve figured he did all he could.

“Really Steve, you think he’s rebelling by dating someone a couple years older? Good lord, when you were fifteen you tried to lie to the government to join the army, I think your definition of ‘rebellion’ has been tamed,” Tony says, shaking his head.

“Really, says the guy who bought a bar because the owner tried to kick you out because you were too young?” he says, lifting his eyebrows.

“He can’t kick me out if I own the place,” Tony says, grinning, “besides, this is the most irresponsible thing Peter has done and it isn’t even _that_ bad. I mean you decided to become a vigilante and took down a crack house and almost died, and I crashed a helicopter. I think we’re doing well if this is some sort of rebellion,” Tony says.

“First of all I was successful in my endeavours, you were just an idiot who wanted to know what helicopters did when they crashed,” he says.

“Well to be fair I found out, the answer was that they crash. It was rather boring,” Tony says, wrinkling his nose.

“Are you going to tell them that we’re sitting right here or what?” Wade says, squinting up at the ceiling.

“Ugh, who are you talking to?” Tony asks.

Wade looks confused, “the writer, I think the audience should know that you two are having this discussion right in front of us like we aren’t here but we are. And have working ears,” he says and Steve frowns, “can you guys not sense her? It’s probably for the best, she isn’t even wearing pants.”

Steve gives Tony a look, “fuckin weird,” Tony says.

*

The first time they catch Peter sneaking out it’s because he loses his grip on the lattice he was climbing down and he hits the ground with a loud huff as the air is knocked from his lungs. Tony and Steve look over to Peter lying on the ground looking embarrassed, “kid you obviously know nothing about sneaking out. Next time sneak out on the _other_ side of the house, you know, the side Steve and I aren’t currently on sitting outside drinking wine. Seriously, you’re a smart kid, this is just embarrassing,” Tony says, shaking his head.

Peter’s phone buzzes and he answers it, “Wade’s annoyed at the writer for putting you outside like a couple of white suburban dads getting sauced instead of making sure you were asleep,” he says.

“What?” Tony asks, squinting.

Peter shrugs, “no idea. No one gets Wade’s weird references,” he says and climbs back up the lattice; surprisingly fast for someone who just fell off of it.

Tony turns back to Steve, “first, if he can climb up that fast this definitely not the first time he’s snuck out,” Tony says, “two, we are so removing that lattice immediately.”

The lattice is removed curtesy of Steve the next day; he also suggests locking Peter’s window but Tony says he’s got a better idea so Steve goes with it.

That night Tony drags Steve into the laundry room, which was across from Peter’s bedroom, and insisted they wait until his master plan went off without a hitch. A half an hour later Steve was bored and Tony insisted they wait. An hour later Steve was ready to leave Tony in the damn laundry room in the dark when Peter’s door creaks open. They watch through the crack in the door as Peter glances around and pulls his head back into his room, shutting the door behind him.

Tony snickers quietly, “this is going to be-” his words are cut off by loud alarms blaring throughout the house and Steve nearly shits himself. Tony starts laughing and leans on the door, falling out of the laundry room and onto the ground. This only encourages him to laugh harder. Peter’s door opens and he glares hard at the two of them before slamming his door shut again.

“That was gold,” Steve tells Tony, grinning. They’d only get away with that once but it was totally worth it.

*

Peter was resourceful but JARVIS had still tipped Tony off that the alarm on Peter’s window had been disabled. Tony suggests letting it go because now he was interested in playing this game with Peter just to see who would win. Steve rolls his eyes but let’s Tony have his fun. Peter was smart though, so when Tony has JARVIS set off alarms if Peter sneaks out Peter hacks JARVIS to keep him quiet. Tony wires Peter’s window to only open to the proper command, Peter ends up slipping up and telling them that Wade figured out the command was ‘flying pterodactyl sweaters’. Tony had been thrown for a loop on that one but Peter had just shrugged, grinning. Steve thought this was a rather weird form of bonding but Tony had always been… original.

Tony sticks a heat signature camera in the vent in Peter’s wall, set to go off when Peter wasn’t in it; Wade leaves them a giant steaming turkey. The alarm had still gone off because the heat signature was way too high, but the guy left a turkey in Peter’s bed so Tony had let that go. At this point even Steve was amused with this game. Tony replaces Peter’s window with a skylight, he got caught sneaking back in when he jumped through it and bounced off his bed, hitting the ground loudly.

Steve, because he swears he’s the only logical person in that house, welds the damn skylight shut so Peter can’t open it to get out but Peter uses the bathroom window instead. Tony wires the window to only open in case of an emergency and Peter nearly sets the house on fire trying to trigger the alarm. The plus side is that he doesn’t try that again.

The next time they actually catch Peter sneaking around without Peter’s clumsiness busting him they were fumbling around in the dark looking for lube and Steve happens to look out the window the find Peter and Wade making out in the yard. “Hey JARVIS, trigger the sprinklers,” he says and watches as the two jump apart when they are hit with the water.

“Damnit,” Steve hears Wade yell, “curse the writer of this fan fiction!” he says as he the porch lights go on, slinking off into night. Peter looks highly embarrassed.

“How did you two know?” Peter asks, towelling himself off.

“You aren’t the only one who like late night nookie,” Tony says and narrows his eyes, “your sex life has ruined my sex life. This is war,” he says.

Peter snorts, “And here I thought we were already at war. Little slow on the uptake there, Stark,” he says, plodding off to his room.

*

Peter and Tony get increasingly creative with each other until Peter just outright asks if he can go hang out with Wade, which throws Tony for a loop. “Ugh, no,” Steve says, answering before Tony can try and sabotage their efforts of keeping the two apart by saying yes.

Peter pulls his hand from behind his back, revealing an empty Uncle Ben’s rice package, “you fed me rice named after my dead uncle you insensitive assholes,” he says and the kid knows he’s holding a trump card.

Steve sighs, “We were so careful,” he says, “fine, be back by ten,” Steve tells him.

Peter snorts, “Two,” he says.

“One,” Tony says, making a face like he was upset with two being too late for Peter to be out.

Steve looks at him like he’s stupid, “no,” he says, cutting off Peter’s excited reply, “eleven,” he says.

Peter shakes the package, “Uncle Ben’s!” he hisses.

“Fine, twelve,” Steve says.

Peter grins, “That was the time I wanted to hear,” he says smugly and takes off before they can change their minds.

Steve glares at Tony, “no more Uncle Ben’s,” he says.

*

Peter, they think, stops sneaking out once they give in and let him spend time with Wade mostly whenever he wanted. Wade occasionally came over, mostly for help with math homework, and the two sat in their designated area in the living room. Peter had tried to get Tony and Steve to relent on their rules on not letting Wade into his room but they refused to budge.

“Oh my god, what the hell am I going to do with you two hovering all the time?” he had protested.

Tony laughs, “Oh kid, I know what being a horny teenager is like, I still have the sex drive of a horny fourteen year old. I didn’t give a damn whether or not people walked in on me, one time my dad thought sticking around to have a conversation would break me but he only lasted two sentences before he ditched. I was not going to let that old fuck think he was the boss of me,” Tony says, squinting at the space over Peter’s head, “but still, if I’ll have sex with you in the house I have come to the conclusion that eventually you try it too,” he says.

Peter looks grossed out, “ew, so not that shameless. Your dad seriously stuck around? Gross,” he says, wrinkling his nose.

“Yep, only ever did that once, it’s how he and Steve met,” Tony says, cackling at Steve’s embarrassment.

“Oh my god, that is just wrong,” he says, dropping the argument and fleeing to the safety of his room.

*

Tony and Steve totally thought they had the situation under control, they were totally ace parents, at least until they found Wade stuck on one of the garage vents. “To be fair it looked a lot larger when I looked in,” he tells them when they finally figure out where that scratching noise was coming from.

“Wow, crawling through a very small vent, that’s some dedication,” Tony says, raising an eyebrow.

“I think Peter is worth the dedication,” he says, “not really worth being stuck in this vent though, it smells like ass in here. I mean it’s probably my own ass but that doesn’t make it any more pleasant.”

Tony has to turn away so he could laugh without being seen, Steve, thankfully, had a much better poker face. “You know literally everyone knows you’re laughing right? The writer said so,” Wade says, frowning at Tony’s back.

Steve’s brows draw together in confusion, “what?” he asks.

Wade sighs dramatically, “The writer of the fan fiction we’re in, you know, horribly faded blue streak? Kind of looks like a misshapen potato, has the same scent the word ‘moist’ would if the word moist had a scent? No, well it’s for the best, she’s upset with me saying she smells like the word ‘moist’, that’s why she had you watch me. I so had this before she alerted you to my presence,” he says like that made any sense at all.

“How do you smell like the word ‘moist’?” Steve asks.

Tony turns around then, apparently back under control, “you smell the same way Michael Cera looks,” he says.

Steve sighs, “How long have you been breaking in?” he asks Wade.

“The writer has no fucking clue, she just thought it’d be cute to put me in a vent,” he says, making a sad attempt at shrugging.             


End file.
